A year ago I thought I'd have to give it all up. I'd already seen my eldest graduate and head off to university, but now it looked like I'd have to release my younger two to the brick-and-mortar schools of our town or some neighbouring city. 

Because I just couldn't do it.

Everything in me was breaking down, from the physical to the emotional. Years of chronic debilitating headaches, steadily getting worse and more frequent, had worn me down to nothing; the culture shock and identity crisis of returning to Canada after four years on the mission field with my family left me floundering much longer than I'd expected. Facing extreme fatigue, inability to concentrate, being bed-ridden with pain three to four days a week, tears pouring down my face constantly - I was no longer able to imagine how I could continue schooling my sons who would be entering grades 9 and 6 in the fall. Panic attacks coursed over me whenever I considered what seemed to be the only way forward. But as things stood, I was not going to be doing them a service by keeping them home, as much as my heart longed to. 

Prayers. Tears. Crying out for help. Long conversations with my Dear Man. Asking God. Pleading with Him to give me the strength and health to continue.

But it was not His direction for me. Not the way I pictured it. Not the way I planned. Because God gave us two paths to follow this year, two routes unlike any I'd expected when I fell at His feet and begged for answers a year ago.

My Little Man, now 14, has entered a brick-and-mortar school in town. And it's okay. I'm not thrilled that he's there, but I'm content that this is how it must be. It's been a learning curve for him and for us, entering the school system after a family absence of 24 years! We're making it work. (And I really need a new 'name' for him, as he's not little anymore!)

And Brown-Eyed Boy, who's 11, almost 12? Through miraculous provision he has been able to continue being home schooled. The miracle of it? I didn't have to sacrifice our philosophy of education and turn to a curriculum that didn't fit who we are in order to continue. We've been gifted with the opportunity to participate in the pilot project for a Charlotte Mason curriculum which has truly been the one thing that allowed me to keep this youngest child of mine at home at least a while longer. It is God's gift. 

The loss I feel over my second child's abrupt and unexpected early departure from our daily school is waning. I see him thriving in many areas that I couldn't have served him. I see him tackling things that are causing him to grow in new ways. Daily I pray for him; daily I reaffirm God's covenant promises to him; daily I trust him to the care of the One Who knows him and loves him more than I do. It's the only way.

At the same time, I'm thankful for this year (dare I hope for 'these years'?) with my third child, for an opportunity to give him the best that I can while I still have the chance. Because I realize now that I might not have him here as long as I originally thought. 

Though I pray it won't be over soon.

I've committed to coming back to PeaceLedge, to exploring once again the writing path that the Lord has used so often to teach me, to heal me, to convict me, and to love me. He is here. He IS "The Place Called Peace". Maybe you'll join me in looking for Him on this precarious edge between safety and vulnerability, between contentment and complacency?

More Critters

Caterpillars have been everywhere this month. 

First there were the ones that coated the tree outside the dining room window. 

Then came a horde of small black ones that, practically overnight, devastated our lawn. Now, our lawn was nothing precious to behold in the first place, but at least it was green. By the time these critters were finished with it, there was nothing left but dry brown stubble.

This morning, as we were finishing up our writing project for the morning (getting some long overdue notes ready to mail), Ed called from outside where he had just finished hanging out the laundry. 

"Do the boys have a minute for me to show them something?"

"Is it gross?"

"Um, yeah."

And out they were like shots, ready to see what was there!

Ed had discovered this caterpillar just outside the kitchen door, and it was a doozy. Thick, plump, multiple-waisted. We have no idea what kind of caterpillar it is, or what it will become. But, look at the size of it!

Bigger around than Ed's index finger, it made me think of a well stuffed cigar which, if nicked in the right place, would spill its stuffing all over.

I wonder what other amazing critters are hiding just outside my door? I wonder if I really want to know.

Seeking and Seeing

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:12-13)

Sometimes that seeking is a first step in drawing close to God - a first knowing of Him, a first hearing of His love and calling, a first realization that 'there must be more'. 

But sometimes it's a step along the way, on a path that's already been travelled for years and will last for many more years.

After reading this passage as part of our study this morning, three of us spoke of how we could put it into practise. My choice? To ask God to show me Himself each day, to open my eyes to the way He was working in my life to make Himself known to me. You know, to realize that some of those 'coincidences' of life were really God ordering things for a purpose, or to see the changes He is working in me to make me more like Him. To see Him. To notice. To appreciate. He says, after all, that if we seek Him we will find Him.

::

The base of the tree trunk was covered with fuzz yesterday, and a long line of caterpillars climbed their way up to one branch where they molted. Yesterday, fascinated by the parade of fuzz that lasted most of the afternoon, I neglected to look at what happened after the molting.

 

Today, when the branch was once again a soft furry mass of little bodies, I determined to look more closely at what happened next. Where did those critters go? 

I took the camera with me again, but this time it stayed strapped in its case for a long time. For more than 10 minutes I looked for signs of the path the caterpillars took yesterday. And finally I found a section of chewed leaves. 

It was at the far end of the same main branch that the caterpillars had taken as a changing room yesterday. Was this the right area? I circled around that branch, searching. Would I find chrysalises or cocoons? Newly molted caterpillars? Something else? Anything at all?

What I found was this:

A delicate basket of spider's webbing filled with... what? Could these be the little bodily remains of countless caterpillars? I didn't go digging around to find out.

On a different sub-branch, though, after almost 15 minutes of searching, my eyes found this:

... and then this: 

Two small chrysalises! Striped, slightly twisty, precious little houses! (Or are they cocoons? As I'm unsure what species I'm looking at, I can't say for sure, because I don't know enough about how to distinguish them.)

They're both in this shot. Can you see them?

After a few more minutes of searching, puzzling, wondering, I realize that these really are the only two on the tree. So the mystery remains: What has happened to all those little bodies?

I'm so thankful to have seen these two chrysalises, especially since, less than an hour later when Ed went out to have a look for himself, they were gone. I don't know how long they were there, but we were aware of them for less than an hour, and I had the privilege of seeing them. Beautiful gift that was!

The Perfect "Good Night"

We said goodbye to our friends at the door following our time of study together. Ed walked out with them to their car while I went quickly to check the kids who had tucked themselves into bed. 

A quiet voice at the bottom of the stairs brought me out of the bedroom. 

"Come outside. Put on your shoes and come outside."

Was there something wrong with our friends' car? Did they have one last thing to say before they left? What was up?

There only being one way to find out, shoes already being on, I went directly outside.

"Come. Stand here. Turn around. Now look."

I looked. And I gasped. 

There they were, suspended above our little white house, through the branches overhanging: Moon and Venus. So clear. So bright. So beautiful.

We roused the kids. No need to stay tucked in when the Lord was waiting with this perfect "Good Night". 

::

And the added bonus? Just the excuse I needed to recite Langston Hughes' poem:

How thin and sharp is the moon tonight
How thin and sharp and ghostly white
Is the slim curved crook of the moon tonight.

Sadly, Mr. Hughes makes no reference to Venus. Ah, well. Maybe I'll have to write my own verse about her.

Canada Day with Mittens

Last week Lucas finished his Math book - early. And I had promised that if he managed to finish it by the end of June we'd get a couple of days off school. That's a big deal around here, as we don't take days off school very often, and we have been doing the 'school year round' thing the past couple of years.

Ending by the end of June had a bonus to us, since the following Monday - today - was Canada Day, and we were able to use that as an excuse to take an almost complete day off of everything and enjoy of the holiday. 

Ed did some tasks around the house - installing the fan in the woodstove, that kind of thing. The Farming Game hit the table (for the second day in a row), and we ate supper in the living room.

But the Lord was smiling on us especially today in giving us a beautiful clear sunny day which we took full advantage of. Despite the cold we packed into the car and drove the little distance to Punta del Chileno where we just passed time.

 

 For some reason the kids were really eager to climb the lookout tower first thing, saying "If we find some money, can we go for ice cream?"

And they found this! A peso! Somehow I think it was planted on a previous trip for just such a time as this!

 The boys stripped off their shoes and socks...

 And hit the sand hill with a freshly waxed board.

 

 They tried some jumps, both with...

 ...and without the board...

 ...while Emily, Ed, and I watched from the sidelines.

 The kids tried a pose they'd done a couple of years ago. They still look great!

And Emily practiced her photographic arts, too:

A much needed family day for all of us.

But I still can't get over wearing mittens on Canada Day. I think we'll save the ice cream reward for Christmas.

Lift Up Your Eyes

It was one of those days. A survival day. And in the early afternoon survival turned to joy. 

Perfect wind. Perfect sky. Perfect weather. 

I put everything else out of my mind and accepted the call to play. 

The boys flew that kite for close to an hour, keeping it up for stretches of 15 minutes at a time, playing with dives and recovery, switching off in flight, and enjoying the mechanics of the wind on the wings. And I just watched. And watched. Looked at their faces, the sky, the kite, the colours. There is so much beauty everywhere.

I need to lift my eyes more.

(These pictures aren't from that day. I didn't have the camera with me on that special afternoon, and I'm actually thankful for that. It let me engage and not just frame images. Dear Man took these photos a few days later when he, too, seized the moment.)

There isn't a girl on earth who I love more than this one.

 

This week she turned 17, and while there are some days that I worry that I've totally messed her up, there are other days when I see how the grace of God has worked in and through my imperfect mothering.

If you could see inside My Girl's heart you'd see

gentleness

compassion

perseverance

humility

desire to serve

independence

love immeasurable

 loyalty

tenacity

How could I not be pleased with those characteristics - parts of her Lord Jesus, reflected in her? My heart sings with thankfulness for all she is and all she is becoming.

I don't know what the future holds for her, but I know for sure that her Lord God is holding her firmly in His pocket. There's no better place for her to be!